I tried so hard to run from my past, but it never failed to catch up with me; and usually at the most least expected time of my life!
This was just a distraction from the real problem that I didn’t acknowledge nor understand the root of the problem at the time, but once the problem caught up, the world around me and inside me got all twisted and disrupted.
At this point it hurts even more, yawl…than it did in the past, because it was never really dealt with, I just covered up. Covering it up, sweeping thoughts and feelings under the rug may have saved me from self-destructive behaviors and thoughts at some point, but it did not save me from what those past actions and feelings did to me on the inside.
I understand that it may pain you to acknowledge the hurt and disgust from the things that happened to you, the things you feel you allowed to happen to you, and the actions that you took to help you cope with it all. I know this because it caused me so much pain myself, that affected my job, my relationships with men, my relationship with myself, and my relationship with my son. It’s disturbing to the fact where this has affect my mental state, because it all came back from out of nowhere, when I thought I had gotten over it and rid of it.
I was the only person who could save myself from self-destruction & self-defeat. My world was turned upside down, even though no one else knew or acknowledge it. I had to make some decisions and evaluate the pain in my life and where it was coming from. I had to ask myself the who, the why, and the how to get to the root of the pain. A lot of the answers were painful all on their own, but I had to be honest with myself; that is how I was able to connect myself to the continuous pain I felt. I had to be vulnerable to myself and allow myself to grieve my mistakes that cause the series of actions in my life that had led the self-destructive thoughts and behaviors of drinking and promiscuity. I had to get real with me! I had to learn how to forgive myself and those around me, but mainly myself for allowing it all to spiral.
Then I had to be patient with myself, because I would get angry when I would let the past still get to me. I had to learn to be patient, because healing is a process. It didn’t happen over night, but with constant evaluation of my life and things I was doing and thinking…the lies I was telling myself. I had to be aware of those beliefs about myself and consciously make those mental changes. I was tired of beating up on myself and missing out on possibilities, because of self-destruction from the inside out with my emotions.
If you know you have lived a past of pain and you feel like you have made it, first ask yourself…what makes me think I have made it through my past and am moving on like nothing ever happened? A lot of times we carry over our past into our present unknowingly… and we tend to forget that we are in a different place in our lives where we can be safe and feel a since of security. Unfortunately, we put our guards up and remove ourselves from our present life with defensive modes. This cause riffs in our current life with our friends, family, and significant others, because you cannot truly be who you want to be due to being tangled with insecurity, distrust, fear, and cohesion of today and yesterday (you have not distinguished between the two.)
These are self-defeating actions and the thoughts that cause those feelings either in the conscious or subconscious mind.
Conscious mind, meaning you know what you are doing, but refuse to make changes because you don’t want to let yourself get hurt or let down. The subconscious mind, meaning you have suppressed the thoughts that made you react the way you did in the past, but the same type of thoughts are resurfacing not allowing you to open up, be confident, and really move forward becoming the person you were meant to be.
We as human being were not made to be defeated, let alone continuously defeat ourselves and our life progress. It’s time for you to conquer self-destruction and self-defeat.
Until Next Time…Leap off the couch into your new future conquering self-destruction & Self-Defeat